The page is "Support for Special Needs" and looks like a great site. Parents coming together to offer support and lift each other up. To walk this road we face together instead of alone. A site that posts articles and blogs and information that is beneficial to families just like ours.
I went to the "register now" page and filled in all the information. User name. Password. Information about our family and our child with special needs. All that stuff. Filled it all in. Something holds me back from hitting that "send" button. I don't know what it is. It's like a force from outside of myself holding me back and keeping me from doing it. I open that page now and then and look at it again... and again and again... and yet never seem to just hit that silly send button. Why? I don't know why. I can't figure it out.
It hurts. It hurts me that SOMETHING inside of me is stopping me. I hate it that I don't even understand it myself because I have always prided myself on the fact that while I may indeed be a basketcase... and I am... I've always been a VERY self-aware basketcase. This hasn't ever been news to me. I've never really struggled with a complete lack of understanding of my actions or why I'm so messed up. I've always been able to see the forest for the trees.... always. So this, this boggles my mind. This hurts, on a lot of levels.
In a very real way it feels like I've betrayed Boo. That whatever it is that's holding me back and stopping me is something against him. So, yeah, that hurts too. I don't even know what I've done or how I've done it or what's happening but it feels like a betrayal.
And so it goes. This road we travel with our angel Boo. Bumps in the road and confusion along the way. I complete lack of understanding of my own actions... or inactions I suppose. So I stumble. No slaying dragons today. Maybe tomorrow.
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