I've been reading a lot of fan fic lately. I do this. I go through jags. Back during X-Files days I used to devour fan-fic. Every spare minute I had not taking care of kids or husband or home I spent reading fan fic and could not get enough. There has never been a fan fic era of time like that of XF with truly gifted excellent writers, great stories, and people that actually knew how to spell, punctuate and use proper grammar. It was the "hey day" of fan-fic in my POV.
So anyway, I've been reading Castle fan fic because I need it to get through this long summer until I see what happens at the end of the cliff hanger. I found an author I like a lot. She makes some mistakes, she has a tendency to use "on accident" which I hate but I can over look because other wise her writing is excellent and her ideas are great so I can over look the small errors here and there. I was reading a fic today by her and she mentioned Beckett in bed after being shot and the tears leaking out of her eyes and falling into her ears.............. and there I was in full flashback.
Boo has had a lot of surgeries in his short six years. He has more to come. His first major surgery was when he was only nine months old. He's had procedures and tests and been poked and prodded in so many other ways but nine months was his first major crazy scary surgery. I remember holding him and waiting, fear gripping my heart like it was in a vice. I remember them lifting him out of my arms and walking away with him and then falling apart in the strong arms of The Man as he held me and assured me it was going to be okay... I'm sure terrified and filled with anxiety himself but there for me. The surgery went well and we got to rush to his side when he wasn't completely awake yet. He was rousing but he was groggy and confused. They laid him on my chest and he immediately eased into the comfortable, safe, familiar feeling of Mami and slept some more. He woke later so sad. Not wanting to cry out because his throat hurt and so very sad. I cradled my big baby in my arms like an infant and he cried. The tears cascading down his temples into his ears. Coming faster than I could wipe them away and cause tears to race down my cheeks and fall onto his blankets. I held him close and I made up a song... "Tears in Your Ears" and sang to him in a sing-songy voice with a smile on my lips even if it was plastered there falsely. I sang to him and he smiled at me.
Boo has had many surgeries since that first one. When he wakes up from anesthesia and finds me leaning over him in bed not allowed to pick him up until we are given permission and the inevitable tears come I sing to him "Tears in Your Ears" and he smiles and I smile and it's just a small little silly thing that we share. I can close my eyes and smell the hospital smell and hear the sounds of recovery and the uncomfortable overly white sheets of the bed and see his little face with those juicy tears running into his ears still. It's something I haven't thought of in years and yet today I flashed back to it in an instant with a memory so clear and crisp it was like watching a movie play out in front of me.
I love my sweet Boo and that he loves me enough to smile when I make up silly little songs for him to help wipe away the fear and the pain.
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