Difficult Road

My #1 son, G-man, didn't have to take most of his finals this year, which is pretty normal for him. He had to take his History exam, which is also very normal for him as he's had to take it every year since History is his least favorite class. He took that on Monday and assured me that while a few questions were tough he thinks he did very well on it. Yesterday he had to take his AP Psych exam, even though his grade is high enough to exempt him he had to take it because it was only a half year course and you're required to take the exam for half year courses. So officially my G-man because a High School senior today. No real reason to go into school today, which is the last day for everyone else, but he wanted to go in. Seemed a little odd to me as last year when he also only had to take two exams and they were at the beginning of the week he slept in and bragged on FB about waking up half way through second exams. Whatever.

Well, he told me today that one of the reasons he wants to go in, and go in during first exam was because he wants to put an origami rose on the locker of the boy he likes. I have to admit my first reaction was fear. I am FINE that my son is gay (while he says he's "Questioning" I'm assuming he's gay and just not at that point yet to say that) and I have honestly NO problem with it in the slightest I do worry a great deal about him getting hurt by other people. I worry that it will hurt him in the long run if people find out and that it will cause him pain. I do NOT believe that he should live "in the closet" and that it is completely his decision as to "come out" or not and when. It's all his choice because it's his life and I can't live it for him, no matter how much I wish I could shelter and protect him from the ignorant troglodytes of the world. I'm absolutely proud of exactly who he is. However we live in a small RED farming town and I worry for his safety and well being. I honestly in ways cannot wait for him to go to college because between his grades, all AP course load, and his kick-ass SAT scores he is going to go to a really good school where I know he will find more acceptance and approval than he will ever find in this little backward town we live in.

It makes me angry too. Angry that I HAVE to worry about this kind of thing. Angry that I need to be worried about the safety and well being of my son because of ignorant closed minded people in the world. My son is, forgive me, but he really is absolutely PERFECT! No mother could ask for a better son. He's brilliant... I mean really scary kind of brilliant in a way I have never seen before in my life (and I've known quite a few really brilliant people). He's clever. He's beautiful... really he is... this isn't just the mom in me talking... he's gorgeous. He loves completely and without reservation. He loves his family and knows, and has known for a long time, that they are his center and his soft place to fall and his heart. He's funny. He's got a memory that is frankly a little creepy... it's unreal. He's just perfect. I could not ask for more from a child of mine than this boy is. He really is just amazing. I wouldn't change a single thing about him, not even his sexual orientation. What makes me mad though is that OTHER people don't see the extraordinary in him, they will only see that he is gay... and sadly even in 2011 that still puts him in potential danger of physical harm and almost without doubt danger of psychological/emotional harm.

So I admit my heart is in my throat this morning. I told G-man that leaving a flower for this boy, anonymously stuck to his locker, could end up in the long run being problematic but then again maybe not. I told him that ultimately the decision had to be HIS but that to know that no matter what he does he will ALWAYS have his family standing behind him 100% supporting him in absolutely everything he does... and me at the head of the pack ready to rip off the head of anyone that dares to hurt him. I'm worried but I know this is his journey... this is his road to travel... all I can do at this point is let him know in every way possible that I adore him and think he is the most extraordinary human being on the planet and that I love him so much it hurts sometimes. I hope that's enough and that I'm a good enough Mami for such a wonderful human being.