Really. I hear it all the time. Well, okay not all the time because I talk about it with very few people and only on the rare occasion. When I do talk about it it's what I always hear.
"It's NOT your fault. You didn't do this to him. It just happened. You shouldn't hate yourself for this."
Really? Why not? Why shouldn't I?
It FEELS like my fault. I hurts like I did this to him. It is a blackness in my soul that I can't repair... because I created him... I made him... and he hurts... he's broken... he lives with more than a little boy should have to. So why SHOULDN'T I hate myself.
Nobody knows if I did this to him or not. One thing that *I* can say is that it was unintentional. I never meant to hurt him. I never had malice in my heart. I never wanted to cause him pain and anguish. I did what I could to have a healthy pregnancy and did what I could to insure a healthy child... but that's not how it worked. Of course I didn't MEAN to hurt him. I didn't mean to cause him any harm. I didn't do drugs or drink or go sky-diving while pregnant or anything... I drank water and ate 3 meals a day and went to the Dr. and ran all the tests and did all that stuff. I didn't MEAN to hurt him... but it's like I tell the kids... when one of them hurts another by playing too rough and then they apologize and want the hurt child to stop crying/complaining I tell that child... just because you say your sorry and just because you didn't MEAN to hurt him/her doesn't mean that they don't hurt and that it's going to go away immediately. It still hurts even if you're sorry and even if it was an accident.
It was an accident. I left the coffee pot on and I burned down his house. I didn't mean to leave the coffee pot on. I didn't even know I had done it... but I had... and his house burned down all around him. I went in after, through the ashes and the devastation and I pulled him out and I loved him and cared for him and bandaged his wounds and kissed him better and made him feel safe again. I did that too. He feels safe now................ but I still burned down his house.
So tell me again? Why shouldn't I hate myself for that? I think I should.
New Chapters
13 years ago
1 comment:
You wrote:
One thing that *I* can say is that it was unintentional. I never meant to hurt him.
You have to hold onto that. Patti, even when you tell your kids to apologize to each other, at some point it has to be over. You don't want them beating themselves up over their unintentionally inflicted hurts.. Give yourself the same grace.
Romans 8:1-2
1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
My word verification is pations (patience phonetically?)
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