Identity

I think I'm having an identity crisis. Well... I say crisis... really I think it's more of an identity confusion.

The Kitten is 21 months old. According to our usual plan of action at this point in one of our babies lives I'm usually either already pregnant or actively trying to get pregnant. Now I'm not. I don't want to be so that's not the issues. It's not that I want to have another baby, because I really don't. It's just... my brain tells me that's what I should be doing... and since I'm not... well... what does that mean for me? Who does that make me? Who am I now? What is my new way to self identify?

I don't know. I'm a little scared in some ways... just a little. I'm confused. Definitely confused. I need to find a new way to self identify. I need to find another niche for myself even if only in my mind. I am more than just my ability to procreate and I know that.... I celebrate that. I am a complex woman of many talents and skills. So why is that I self identify as "the one who has babies?"

I'm also MORE than a mother to a SN child. Sometimes I feel like since Boo was born that is all people see. I have one child with SN, and I love him with every fiber of my being. I also have 5 typical kids that I love with every fiber of my being. So why is it that I'm seen through the filter of so many as "SN Momma?" I admit that Boo and my experiences with him and my life since him have changed me immensely on a very deep level. I'm not the same person I was before he was born, I never will be again. Still... why does that ONE child seem to outweigh the five others at home?

Anyway, I'm just selfishly rambling about nothing. I'm at a confusing time in my life. Something biological deep inside me, in that instinctual place, is ringing a little bell and saying "time for a baby." It's not what I want. It's time to move past that. I embrace that. Still I find myself confused and contemplative. What's next?