Still hate February

Always will I reckon. This month, it just gets me down. It's too much for too long. The cold, which in reality has not been very cold at all this year... there's actually crocus coming up at the elementary school... in February... in New England. Crazy! Anyway, back on track... the cold, the darkness, the biting winds. There's a sadness to this month that no other month holds. For me anyway. I've heard, but it could be completely untrue I don't really know, that while February is the shortest month of the year it's the month with the most deaths. It sounds right to me. It's just a sad month... a quiet and pensive month... a deep, dark, twisted thoughts month.

I'm being especially needy and insecure lately. I don't even know why to be honest, not entirely. It's just a feeling down in my gut... deep in my bones. I feel insecure and scared and needy to the point that it irritates and annoys me. I mentioned all this to The Man yesterday and he says he hasn't noticed. I find it hard to believe but TM tends to be pretty straight forward and up front with me, so it's likely he really hasn't. Maybe I'm just this annoying all the time and I'm only ever aware of it now? Maybe. Maybe he's just never been the most observant guy in the world? Maybe. I don't mean to say that's a really bad thing, it's just his way. How he is. I know that and I'm okay with it. I know who he is and knowing that I would do every day of my life with him over again if given the opportunity.

I'm playing Van Morrison a lot. I love Van Morrison. I've decided that Crazy Love is my son for TM. It's how I feel about him. The song has 1.2 million hits on YouTube -- I think at least 1K of those are me alone. "Take away my trouble. Take away my grief. Take away my heartache in the night like a thief." Yeah... that's what he does for me. I'm playing Van Morrison enough that the Kitten has changed the names of her two babies from "The Doctor and Sexy" to "Shiny and Van" (not sure where Shiny comes from). So yeah... when your 4 y/o knows Van maybe you're listening a little too much.

I love him. With everything. He is my world. Then I look at him and how amazing he is... how beautiful he is... his heart... his body... his soul... the way he is a father to our kids... the way he takes care of us all... and I can't help but wonder... why in the world does he love ME? What's in this gig for him? So my insecurities and fears bubble to the surface and they hurt... because really... he is perfect... and I'm just so NOT perfect. I love him so much.