Someone I know used the word "retard" in her status on FB yesterday. It shook my entire world in a way I'm positive that this woman has absolutely no way of understanding. It shook me hard enough that still this morning The Man is wiping away my tears and holding me in his arm telling me to just get off of FB and not go back. He has a point and I recognize that. I can't take this kind of assault to my soul. I just can't. I used to be strong but I'm not not now and this kind of thing drags me back down to the depths of my pain and guilt and mental anguish. This is someone attacking my baby boy. This is a direct attack against who he is a person. This is a direct attack against his value as a human being and his basic human right to be treated with respect. This is an attack against a little boy who has NO WAY of defending himself and NO blame or responsibility for who he is and the problems and struggles he faces. It's not his fault he has a brain injury. It's not his fault he has to work ten times harder to get half as far as the next kid. It's not his fault. It's my fault. I am the Mami of a broken little man and I can only blame myself because there is nobody else to blame. So when people use THAT word it's just a reminder, again, of what I have done to him. Of what I have saddled that innocent child with for the rest of his life. Of what a horrible person I am that I know that I will one day undoubtedly go to hell for. I broke him. I let him in for this world of hurt and pain. I can't change that now. All I can do is love him in a place so deep and so sacred that I didn't know it even existed. So when people attack him it's so painful for me I can't contain it. I am an expert at putting on the mask and playing the game but when this happens I just sit in my home and cry uncontrollably... like I'm doing right now... again.
I'm not strong. I can't be anymore.
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