I currently in a struggle with my religion and God. Let me go back more. Many years ago I got The Man an absolutely gorgeous Byzantine cross. I don't remember if it was for a birthday or Christmas or anniversary or what but I remember the first time I saw the cross I knew I had to get it for The Man some day. Honestly it was the most beautiful cross I had ever seen. The original chain broke one day, years ago, and so I bought him another chain eventually. It was a nice chain. I thought he would love it. Yeah, well, he hated the new chain. He complained all the time that it pulled his chest hairs out and that the lobster claw clasp would yank on the the little hairs on the back of his head. So he would still wear his cross but not every day like he had done before. It made me sad because I loved that cross and I knew he loved it too. So for our anniversary this year I bought him ANOTHER new chain for it. He loves this new chain with a ring clasp as it doesn't pull or tug on anything and he is again wearing his cross every day, and I am thrilled.
So, with The Man with his new chain he gave me his old chain. I was thrilled because I always thought it was a beautiful chain. The Man asked me what I wanted to put on the chain and that stopped me short. For some reason I had this odd feeling at the thought of putting my cross on it. I haven't gone to church in many years. I stopped going pretty much after the whole Catholic church sex scandal thing. I just couldn't. It just went against everything that I believe in and I felt like every time I walked into the Catholic church it was like I was condoning their behavior and the fact that they INTENTIONALLY moved priests around from parish to parish in order to stop talk and in effect to find them "new meat." I just had to stop going because I was becoming bitter and angry and that is NOT how I want to feel when I am sitting in church to worship God. So I don't go to church... so I feel weird about wearing my cross. Beyond that I have a faith that I fully admit is not strong, not like it once was. Not like when it was easy to have faith. I got angry at God when Tinesy got sick. When G-man was assaulted I was convinced that God had forsaken me. Since then my relationship with God has been tenuous. There is a part of my scientific logical mind that doesn't want me to believe in God. Then there is the fact that I do believe, in my gut and in my heart I believe... I still talk to God and pray to Him every single day of my life. Every day. Even when my head is saying "look at the facts, there couldn't possibly be a God" my heart talks to Him and converses with Him and prays to Him and knows that He is there. It's a strange push-pull for me. I also learned that I am basically raising atheists. G-man doesn't believe. Mimi is kind of on the fence, she says she prays sometimes but I feel that she's not sure what to believe. Tinesy says she believes and that she prays every day. I'm pretty much fine with where all of them are as individuals. I feel like it SHOULD bother me that G-man has said flat out that he's an atheist, it should I guess, but it doesn't. He is who he is and I love him and he will find his own way in this world with me there as a net to catch him and help him along when he needs me. Mimi will find her own way. Tinesy seems set in her faith and I'm glad for that too. Biggle hasn't been to church in as long as he can remember because it was right at the time of his birth that the whole Catholic sex scandal exploded. Biggle, Boo, and the Kitten have all been baptized (and per Byzantine tradition had confirmation and first holy communion at the same time) because that WAS important to me. The Byzantines do first holy communion at the time of baptism but they also do the tradition of first holy communion... the dresses and suits and all that good stuff. Biggle has NOT had his even though G-man, Mimi, and Tinesy all did. He didn't for obvious reasons I would think... we don't go to church. People have been on my case about this but I think that this is a personal decision and not one that others should harass me over, but they do. I'm equally sure that The Man's parents aren't happy about that either but they keep quiet about it.
So, I feel conflicted. I believe so I should be able to wear my cross. Right? Then again I don't go to church... so maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. My logical mind wars with my heart. I was thinking of getting an ankh type cross... kind of a meeting in the middle kind of thing. Maybe some day. I don't know. For now my two sides will continue to do battle.
That done I come to my second predicament. I have been watching and following the story and case of the Petit murders in CT very closely. I have heard the story of what happened and what this family went through. The atrocities that these two men visited upon this innocent and loving family. The horrible things that this mother and her two daughters endured leading up to their murders. It's just unfathomable to me. It is the personification of evil to me. Truly evil incarnate visited upon this planet. I look at this quiet loving family from CT and cannot help but draw parallels to my own family. They were in their home sleeping I'm sure feeling safe and secure and then evil entered their lives and ripped their family apart leaving Dr. Petit alone mourning his wife and daughters. I cannot help but think ALL the time "there but for the grace of God go I." That could have been my family... my children... my home.
I am a liberal. I mean I am REALLY liberal. One of the more liberal people you will know in your lifetime. It's just who I am. I believe in equality for all people regardless of race, religion, skin color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or anything. We are ALL equal. Politically and theoretically I do NOT believe in the death penalty because if ONE innocent person is murdered via the death penalty then that makes it an unjust punishment and one that our country should NOT support. Innocent people go to prison. If an innocent person is killed for a crime they didn't commit that, to me, is government sanctioned murder. So I will tell you that the death penalty is wrong and it is not our right to take a life. However my gut when it comes to this case is "Let me push the button. I'll do it!!!" I think that both of these men should die for the crimes they committed and for the beautiful lives they took. The only other time I remember feeling this way was when it came to Timothy McVeigh. I wanted that man dead. I wanted it so bad that I felt guilty for wanting it so much. He deserved death... and a much more painful and horrible one than what he was given IMO. I feel that way about these men that killed Dr. Petit's family. I want them dead and not just dead but I want them to endure some of the terror, pain, and cruelty that their victims felt. If someone wants to hang them up by the nuts until dead, just let me know, I'll bring the rope. So again... this inner battle struggles within me. My brains and my mind tell me NO and my heart and my gut says "string up and light 'em on fire!" How do I reconcile those two parts of myself? I like to think that I live my beliefs and I stand by them... but with this my gut overrules my head.
I am just a jumble of conflicts lately it seems to me. I don't know if this is normal and other people feel this too. I just know that I do. I don't know if it will ever go away.
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