I use The Man's facebook account. He knows that. I mean basically he only signed up so I could use it to do stuff on. He really doesn't use it. He keeps saying he's going to start but he doesn't. He says that after sitting in front of the computer for 8 to 10 hours a day for work that the idea of sitting in front of a computer for fun is just beyond his grasp. I get that.
The Man recently got a friend request from an old girlfriend. Normally this really wouldn't bother me in the slightest. He has been in contact with MANY of his old girlfriends and I have no issues with it at all. I love Ruth, I think she's awesome. I think Roberta is okay... she never liked me but I'm the one that got The Man... so really... who can blame her. I liked Kathy, she was nice. We got along really well. I met Suzanna only briefly but she seemed okay. I thought Trish was a little odd but a nice person... good heart. Okay I admit it I did NOT like Cindy... but seriously the girl was effed up... seriously psychopath nut-job... and very mean spirited and a liar. No, not my favorite person but this is a rarity. Then there is Alida.... she requested to be The Man's friend. This was an old HS romance. The Man admits that looking back he didn't treat her very well, which I find hard to believe of The Man but he swears is true. I've met Alida and we've "gotten together" a few times over the years, but probably not for about 20 years or so now. She is NOT a bad person. She is NOT mean or nasty or a nut job. She's fine. I don't adore her and I certainly don't dislike her. However every time I sign onto The Man's account lately and see her name there under "friend requests" it's like a little jab in my heart. It's completely and utterly STUPID in every way. I mean totally unreasonable and irrational. The Man was NEVER hung up on Alida, she was way more invested in their relationship than he ever was. I KNOW that. The Man and I have discussed that (long ago of course). The Man always looked at it more as just a physical thing and wasn't emotionally invested.... and he THOUGHT she felt the same but he admitted that in hindsight he can see that was not the case. My thing, and okay this dates back 20+ years, is that from the occasions we did get together (maybe 5 or 6 times total) she was so totally and completely NOT over The Man it was ridiculous.
This one time... I was 20, not legal drinking age yet, and we drove up to see her and her live-in boyfriend (and The Man and I were living together and not engaged yet at the time) the way she looked at The Man... the way she hung on his every word... the way she took every possible opportunity to touch him casually... the look in her eyes... it was as plain as day and VERY obvious (and was also very obviously pissing off her boyfriend which she seemed to not notice at all). Now mind you... at the time... I was amused. No really... I know that sounds heartless and mean but the fact is that I was amused. She had embarrassed me earlier that night by trying to go into a BAR for dinner... and I was less than 21 and completely mortified (The Man was 25 at the time, Alida probably 26 and her boyfriend 27 or 28). So watching her moon over The Man and knowing that not only did he not reciprocate those feelings but that he was completely oblivious to them and madly in love with me... well... it gave me a chuckle. Yeah... so sue me.
In the years since that meeting, which was our last, I have not given Alida a second thought. Just never came into my head. Why would it? Right? Yet here she is... entering The Man's life. I asked The Man if he wanted me to accept her friend request for him and he said no, that he wanted to do it and he wanted to send her a note when he did so to "apologize for how badly I treated her" is what he said. That also just rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah, stupid I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Like I said I completely understand that this is an irrational and unreasonable response. I have already taken note that if he does email her via facebook I will be able to read the email if I want to... since he knows I have full access to his account. He knows that. WHY is this bothering me? It shouldn't. It never bothered me back 20 years ago when I had to endure visits with her from time to time.... oh she made us sit through the WORST movie ever once... what the hell was it called.... Eraserhead or something like that (yes, I am a classless oaf because I don't like this Kubrick classic... whatever). We watched it at MY house no less... with me completely not interested. Okay back on topic.
I'm not skinny and pretty anymore. I'm fat. I'm older. My hair is falling out (thank you Lyme). I'm not nearly as much fun as I used to be. I'm not in shape and out and doing crazy things. I'm not the lunatic that The Man first fell in love with.... which is both good and bad I'm sure. Alida, I am assuming, is unattached, unmarried, childless and most likely still the skinny bean pole she always was. So yeah, I know why it bothers me. I'm feeling insecure. I know for a fact that The Man would never EVER cheat on me. Not ever. It's not in his capacity to do so. I always said when we were going to different collages and all my girlfriends would tell me how good looking The Man was and that I had to know he was "getting some" on the side while he was there cause "men have needs".... I would simply say "If The Man was in a room with a naked Christy Brinkley in front of him wanting him and begging him for it he would FIRST call me and say 'Honey, it's over' and THEN jump her but he wouldn't ever lay a finger on her while he was still in a relationship with me." That's just how The Man works. That's just him and how he works and I know that without a doubt. I know that more surely than I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. I've always known that about The Man, without ever a single doubt about that. I know he will never ever cheat on me. I know that he will never ever leave me. I know that he loves me, he REALLY loves me, and he is committed to me and our marriage and our kids FOREVER. I know that. No, really I do. I know that he thinks, for some completely insane reason, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I know that fat and balding and burned out and bad back and all that crap doesn't matter to him. He adores me in a way that I wonder sometimes if I even deserve. Still.... this thing with Alida... I see her name there and I feel a pang in my heart.
I'm being absolutely positively ridiculous. Yet.... here I am.
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