Sin Mondingo

sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. Like right now. I've had a headache for a full week. It's not a migraine. Having actually suffered from debilitating migraines at one point in my life I'm not one of those people that whines of a migraine as they watch TV, read books, and go about their daily lives. I KNOW what a real migraine is like. What I've been having for more than a week with very little reprieve is a majorly bad headache. It doesn't go away. It's always there. Sometimes it's better than others. Sometimes if I layer some Aspirin, Motrin, and Tylenol I can get to slake off just a little bit so that it's just a regular old every day kind of headache. Honestly that's where it is right now. Just a headache. Ever present and pushing down on my brain and all my nerves but not so bad that I can't think around or it work around it. One thing I can't do after having a monster headache for most of a week is have patience around it. My patience is GONE. Absolutely decimated in the wake of "The Headache."

I'm being short with all the kids. They aren't behaving any differently than normal. They are kids. There are a lot of them. The Kitten is being more whiny and crying more than usual but I'm not sure if that's a reaction to my shortness of patience lately or what. Still the noise in the house today is driving me BATTY. I mean seriously driving batshit fucking crazy. I live to read lately. Most of my life really. I've been an avid reader since the time I was in the 3rd grade or so. Books and stories have always been an escape for me since I was a kid. I'm VERY accustomed to reading with LOTS of background noise. I can filter it out for what it is and just read and fall into whatever world I chose. Yeah. I can't do that today. Not at all. Every conversation, every whine, every discussion, every everything is like fireworks going off inside my brain and in front of my eyes obscuring the words on the page. I can't read a sentence without wanting to rip someone's head off... oh right... and going back and rereading it 3 more times before I actually know what it says. Very unlike me. I'm the girl that could read in the 5th row of a rock concert if that's what I decided I wanted to do. However today the noise of 6 children and a husband is too much for me.

The Man took me out for an ice cream cone. He promised me 20 minutes away from work so I could get some quiet. We just ran to Carvel for a cone and back. After we had our ice cream he said "Okay back home" and I burst into tears crying "it can't possibly have been 20 minutes yet? It just can't!!" He informed me that it had been 25 and we were going home. So now I screamed at the kids and forced them to go swimming (I know what a wretched woman I am) and pushed them all out the door, some in tears, and I feel like pretty much the most POS mom in the world. I can hear them outside in the pool. I reduced Mimi to tears. Biggle was reduced to tears by Boo. G-man doesn't WANT to swim and he's mad at me. Kitten is made because her NEW floaty swimsuit hasn't arrived yet. Yeah... I suck. I get it.

I don't need to be like The Man's sister. I don't need to have my children away from me as much as humanly possible. I don't need to spend an entire summer away from them. I do however need a LITTLE bit of time off. Just a little bit. I need a little bit of peace of quiet. I need a little bit of being ME and not being Mami. Just a little bit. I would love the opportunity to have a little bit of time being a lover and a woman but I don't know that that's ever going to happen in my life again. Today I feel hopeless. It's probably the headache just eating away at my soul... and my brain... but today I feel like I want to just crawl into bed and never get out.