I Dream of David

I dream of David more often then I would think after 24 years. I don't dream of him every night or anything but more often than I would think just the same. Maybe once every month or two.

I dreamed about David last night, well, this morning is more like it. There was a competition; math test, swimming race, and car race. I had to win them and then I would see David. I took the math test and I knew David had written it... I told 'them' that I "just knew" and that David's personality was in that test. Then I swam and there were lots of people... who I remember where important but I don't remember who they were now. Then was the car race and I had a little pink race car... and Shirley Jones (aka Mrs. Partridge) was there. Yeah, go figure. I was racing down the track and I thought I spied David in another car and I was anticipating the end and seeing him... when into my consciousness intruded a little girl and the words "Daddy where are you?" and I was awake... and I wanted to cry with frustration and upset. I was SO close. I wanted to see him so badly. My whole body ached to see him and give him a hug and tell him how much I've missed him... and in an instant it was gone. It was just gone. I struggled and tried to close out the world and called for The Man to come and take our sweet little girl so that I could curl up and go back to that dream and pick up where I left off and SEE him... but it was no good. I finally gave up and instead pulled my little princess is for some loving. We hugged and kissed and chatted about her little toddler things.

Still this feeling of loss and sadness... and somewhere deep inside of me pain has lingered with me all day. That feeling that he was so close and I missed my chance and I don't know when the next chance will be seems to push this pervasive sense of loss all around me today.