blah... birthday blahs

Yeah so... today sucked. Just flat out no holds barred sucked. My mood was shit, my attitude worse, and my heart ached. Stupid? Yes. Tough shit.

I have been without my laptop for almost 2 weeks now. Gone. My files, my sites, my games, my entertainment, my soothing balm, my friends that live inside my computer... gone. I have been trying to be good about it and deal with it but it has gotten to the point that I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't download my pics. I can't edit them. I can't play my games. I can't chat with my friends. I can't do ANY of the very very few things that I do for ME in each day. I don't have a lot for me. I don't buy myself clothes or jewelry or expensive things. I don't need new stuff, I don't expect flowers, I don't need a lot of things in this world... monetary is not my style. I NEED my computer though... it's my window to the world outside and it's been taken away and I feel alone and just this completely overwhelming and over powering sadness that completely fills my to overflowing. I can't stand it anymore. It's been 1 day shy of 2 weeks and I feel like my edges are fraying and I'm about to fall apart.

Let's also add into this very ugly and self serving PLOM party the fact that since the Kitten was born, 3 years ago tomorrow, my birthday has all but ceased to exist. My birthday is all about "WOW!! The Kitten is going to be 1/2/3/etc. tomorrow!" Does that sound bitter? Good reading then because it is extraordinarily cold and bitter. I lost my Saints Day to Biggle. I get it that my family, the one I created with The Man, doesn't get that. The Man doesn't get it, the kids don't get it and quite frankly the vast majority of my family of origin that celebrated that day with me and dead and gone and don't call or send gifts anymore. Pffft. How rude. Still... it was MY day. It was my small little only slightly significant day. I got little crap gifts. I got a cake or cupcakes or something. I got dinner of Cuban food. It was mine. Then Biggle came along and, well, it was his day then. We say it's "our" day but that's not really the fact of the matter. It's not mine anymore... I lost it the day my husband, against my wishes, named Biggle... against my wishes and better judgement. Hey, whatever. I told myself no biggy... it's just one day and he's my very special boy and so that's okay. Then enter the Kitten 5 years later... the day AFTER my birthday. BLAMO! There goes my birthday too now. Now my birthday is merely the Kitten's "Birthday Eve" -- an after thought at best... completely forgotten by many at worst. So yes, I'm acting like an impudent petulant toddler stomping my foot and screaming "NOT FAIR!" So what of it?

So today I woke at 8am to the ringing phone... it was UPS telling us they had a delivery. YAY! I got up happy and with great hopes for the day... that within the hour were dashed and dead and stomped on like ants by a preschool boy. I spent the rest of the day whining and complaining and miserable. The Man got me a locket... lovely :-\ The kids made me origami turtles... thanks :::sigh::: Mimi got me a video game I really have absolutely NO desire to play... great. I got myself an upgrade for Photoshop... yes, very nice and I should be happy. NOT a cheap program... I get that. The Man got me (but I researched and ordered) a monitor calibrator for this "business" I plan to start but can't do jack-shit about with my laptop having been hi-jacked by the "data retrieval woman." My mother, while here last week for Mimi's surgery, had to make sure to stomp on that as well by telling me "Well, maybe you shouldn't spend money on your business.... I mean... what if you don't get any clients." Thanks Mom. It's with encouragement and belief in me like that that I grew up to become the complete wreck and emotional black-hole of need and self doubt that I am today. Way to stay consistent though.

So fuck me. Happy fucking birthday bitch. Get used to it. Most likely I won't have a birthday again... well... ever... but most definitely at the very least not for another 15 to 18 years. Yay :\ Yee-fuckin-haw.