Primal Scream

I just want to scream and scream and scream and maybe never stop. You know because my life isn't stressful enough right now... Mimi is failing classes, Boo has yet ANOTHER medical problem to add to the long list of problems he already has to deal with (cause God knows that little boy doesn't have enough challenges to face down in this life he needs MORE), we're totally busted broke and don't have money for winter clothes let's not even mention birthday or Christmas presents, I'm diabetic, and on and on and on and on. This morning my wonderful, loving, extraordinary, amazing husband has to chose to be a complete and total dick... and as always seems to be the case on these extraordinarily rare moment he does it to me with an audience... because really if you're going to fuck with your wifes head and wrench her heart by all means PLEASE do it in front of someone just so it hurts all that much more to insure that you have at least doubled the impact on her heart. This is VERY out of the ordinary for him, yeah I get that, it's extremely uncommon... so when it does happen it feels like I've been on a runaway train that has impacted and then exploded famously against a brick wall.

I can't take arguing with The Man. I can't take it when he, unknowingly perhaps, takes my heart and wrings it out like an old wet sponge. I can't stand being cross with him or feeling like I want to just run away from HIM. Not him. He's the one I always want to run away WITH or TO... not from :( I'm going to say something I won't earn any points for... The Man is my whole life... The Man is my rock. That man makes my world spin on it's axis and keeps me going through every day. Not the kids. I mean I love the kids with my whole heart and they mean the world to me and I would step in front of a bus for them, any of them, but it's The Man that is at the core of my heart and makes it beat and keeps me breathing in and out on the days I'm not sure if I can or not. When sometimes it feels like my world is falling apart all around me I look at The Man and he is the light that helps me find my way in the darkness. I know it sounds corny and stupid, but there you have it. So on days like today when he hurts me it's like someone burning my very soul and it HURTS... I mean really really really hurts. An actual physical pain in my heart.

So today I hurt and I feel like a compass that has lost my magnetic north. I'm just spinning out of control in a free fall without him. I'm still mad at him and I want to let that go but for right now I need that wall up to protect my damaged heart. Right now it's easier to feel the anger than it is to feel the pain... but that's not going to last long. Soon the anger will dissipate and the hurt will consume me like wave.

Later we'll make up and cry and hold and stroke each other and find that special closeness we share again. We'll let this go and it'll just be done and over and forgotten in a few days time. Can I just fast forward until I get there? Please?