Turning on a dime

My oh my it's amazing how my moods and feelings can turn on a dime.

Yesterday I was feeling head over heals in love with The Man and farting rainbows I was so happy. Then one little thing triggers the darkness and I'm back to my dark & twisty self. What was the trigger? The hospital called very late yesterday afternoon to tell me what time to be there on Monday and with my directions. Lovely.

See, here's the thing. I am REALLY angry about this upcoming "procedure." I feel that it's all to blame on the fact that I had a tubal ligation when the Kitten was born. So what right? Well, the other fact is that I felt bullied into doing it. I really never felt that it was my decision to make. Even MY Dr., you know the Dr. that is supposed to put my well being and good health ahead of everything else, bullied me into getting the tubal. My parents, The Man's parents, most of our friends that knew we were thinking about it, his siblings, my sibling... everyone in our lives with the exception of one person. That one person is the person that I feel pretty much always has MY best interest at heart instead of campaigning for The Man and what a great guy he is... my best friend, D. Out of this see of bullies and people with opinions who had no right to an opinion on this she was the one voice speaking for me and said "don't do it." I had explained to The Man, and confirmed with my Perinatologist, that sometimes after a tubal ligation some women suffer from "Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome" and that the list of symptoms is not good. My Peri did agree and admit that yes, sometimes that happens, but it wasn't enough for him to stop bullying me and telling me that I would have to be some kind of masochist who obviously doesn't love her husband to make him go through a vasectomy while they're already going to be "in there" anyway during my C-sec. Pretty much what I heard from everyone in my life. Also I need to add here that I was NOT against the tubal because I wanted to have more children. That was not the case in the slightest. I STILL do not want to have more children and know that more children in this family is just not an option. We have, as The Man likes to say, "caught our limit" and are so overwhelmed some days with the day to day care and schedules of six kids that more children is out of the question for us.

So I got this call from the hospital and all this resentment and anger bubbled up in me. Resentment that I have already had 6 C-secs, 1 D&C (for a miscarriage), and endured the ugliness that is Methotrexate (for another miscarriage), had my gallbladder removed (because sometimes pregnancy screws with your gallbladder and it has to come out after a pregnancy) and yet here *I* am doing this again. Subjecting myself to MORE procedures and pain and recovery. I admit it, I felt very much like the six-year-old petulant child stomping my foot and saying "it's not FAIR!!!" Now at 40 I'm well aware that life is not fair. It's not how the game is played here on earth. I know that. However I am still left with the overwhelming feeling that this is NOT FAIR!!! I do NOT want to have surgery again. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to go through the recovery. I just flat out don't want to do this. I. Don't. Want. To. Do. This.

So I got mad and resentful and told The Man that I just needed a little space last night and spent my evening in front of the computer and a little bit with the older kids and avoided him... which is very unusual for me because typically I want to be with The Man every minute of every day. However last night I was angry and upset and I didn't want to take it out on him and end up lecturing and being downright belligerent.

I really don't want to do this. I really don't. I don't want to have periods from hell anymore either so really I don't have a choice but man... this just sucks. I need to get over being angry at The Man because in truth HE didn't bully me into this.... it was everyone else lobbying in his defense and for him that bullied me into the situation I currently find myself in. Still... The Man's the closest target and I know it's okay to get mad at him because I'll move past that and go right back to being head over heals in love with him again and all will be well. I just hate all of this in the right now. I want it to be next Friday.