Our Rules

Recently an old friend of mine who is newly married asked me what advice I would give for a long happy marriage. The Man and I have been married for 18 years. Every single one of those years I have loved him with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being. Every single year he has been my rock and my soft place to land. Some years have been harder than others, some years we wondered how we would ever make things work because times were tough, some years have been so blissful that my cynical side was waiting for the other shoe to drop because I felt life just couldn't possibly be THAT perfect.

Anyway, this friend asked me what my advice would be and it got me to thinking. A long time ago The Man and I kind of created our own little set of rules about disagreements or arguments we had and we try to stick by them. In truth these days we don't argue or disagree a whole lot, but we still have "The Rules."

1. For God's sake GO TO BED ANGRY! There is nothing worse than staying up later and later over a disagreement or an all out fight. The later it gets the more irrational people become, being over tired leads to saying or doing things you may regret later. Just go to bed, in the SAME bed even if you are mad. You'll be amazed at how when you wake up next to your lover in the morning that disagreement or fight really just doesn't seem as important anymore.

2. Number 1 takes me to 2... don't say things you're going to regret. EVER! I don't care if you really want to hurt him/her to gain a point in this argument. I don't care if you're feeling hurt so you want to hurt back. Just don't do it. Once it's said it's out there FOREVER and you'll never get it back and it will go through your lovers mind from time to time and hurt them forever. Why do that? Don't call names, don't belittle, don't berate. You LOVE this person, treat them like you do even if you're mad.

3. This argument is about THIS argument. It's not about who took out the trash last week or what a bitch his/her sister was at that family function a year ago or what a sucky present you got for your birthday 4 months ago. It's about THIS argument and no other arguments are in play right now. You want to argue about his/her sister or the sucky present or the chores, find another time to sit down and discuss it but DO NOT drag it into this argument.

4. Remember being happily married is a decision you make. You CHOSE if you want to be happy and in love or not. Don't lose sight of the big picture over some trivial crap that won't matter tomorrow. You love this person enough to dedicate your life to them, don't sweat the small stuff and learn that sometimes you have to let go because your love matters more than "winning" an argument.

5. Don't hold a grudge, which hearkens back to #4 a bit. Just don't. When it's over and spent and used up learn to let it go. It's not always easy and sometimes that hurt stays with you but FORCE yourself to be civil and responsive and comfortable if you have to. If you force it you'll be amazed at how quickly it won't be forced anymore because you just ease back into that routine you have together.

6. Sex is never a weapon OR a bargaining chip. EVER. Not under any circumstances.

7. Don't be afraid to laugh. Sometimes in the middle of an argument SOMEONE (often me) will say something so absurdly ridiculous that you can't help but laugh (usually The Man). Laugh. It's amazing how it can take the bite out of an argument and you end up laughing together :) However it's important to note that you don't laugh AT them, you laugh WITH them over the ridiculousness of the situation.

8. Kind of a repeat a little bit... always go to bed in the same bed together. It doesn't matter how mad you are. It doesn't matter how upset or hurt you are feeling. Just go to bed and lie as far apart from each other in the same bed if it makes you feel better. Something happens during the night and you wake up and find yourself with your arm draped over him or her legs intertwined with yours and you remember that closeness you share and that you love each other. Somehow it doesn't seem as bad when you wake up next to your lover in the morning.

9. What is in your marriage is YOUR business and nobody elses. Don't go running to Mommy or Daddy or your best friend with major gripes about your spouse. Don't pack your bags and go to someones house for the night because you're so angry. Don't share the deeply personal and intimate parts of your marriage with anyone that isn't IN the marriage. It just ends up blowing up in your face. You love your spouse so the next day or two days later all is forgiven and you make up and life is good again.... but your parents or your best friend or your sister only remember the horrible things you said about your spouse and how they hurt YOU, the person they love and they don't let go as easily because they don't love your spouse the way you do. It's just bad news and only leads to problems. Marriage is private and personal and not to be shared with the world at large.

10. Marriage isn't always easy and it's not always a fairytale. Marriage takes work and most of all commitment. ALL marriage, even the best ones, have rough times and difficulties. Expect that sometimes you're going to have rough times and difficulties. Sometimes it's going to be hard to even be in the same room together, but if you really love each other and WANT it to work it'll pass in time.

So that's all I have for now. Let me also say that I am a firm believer in that some marriages NEED to end. Sometimes it's better for everyone involved, even the kids, for a marriage to end and everyone to move on. I don't think that all marriages can work and that you have to try to save it no matter what. Sometimes it just doesn't work and in those cases I think it's best to just let go... even though it may be the hardest thing you've ever done.

So there ya have it. My marriage advice. I have sex advice too! LOL! Wanna hear it?