Weird Things

So many thoughts in my head and the feeling of a need to write them down.

We're going, as a family, to a funeral tomorrow. We have to travel to the town near where The Man and I grew up to attend. We need to be there and yet I have fears, concerns, and anxiety about it. The kids have never been to a funeral before so this will be new to them. They haven't been inside a church in longer than I can remember so that's going to be interesting. It's going to be a sad day and The Kitten is a very dark and twisty little soul so I'm concerned about how she will react in addition to being concerned about any little nuggets that may fall from her lips. It's going to be a challenge but also a necessary part of life.

I sometimes feel a bit like Sheldon Cooper in that I don't always grasp or understand social contracts and expectations. I know what most of them are, most surely not all, and I do my best to follow them but they stress me out because it's hard for me. It doesn't come easily or without thought, it's something I have to consciously struggle to keep in mind. The one that is throwing me about this funeral is expectations of what I will wear in addition to what the children will wear. The G-man is taken care of with a pair of black slacks and a dress shirt... easy peasy. Mimi has a dark blue suit she can wear. Tinesy isn't going due to major school function that she is running and responsible for so she simply can't come. Biggle is a bigger problem. I know what he should wear... finding dark dress clothes that fit him is more challenging. Boo and Kitten I'm going to buy something. Hate spending money we don't have but feel like I must. Then there's me that has NOTHING that fits due to losing 144 lbs. in the past year. So yeah... there's that. The thing is that it boggles my mind why these things matter so much. Why does how someone dresses for a funeral matter in the slightest bit to anyone? I don't get that. Why if I showed up in paint stained jeans that I wear routinely and a fandom shirt would that be wrong? It's not about ME... it's about the person we have lost and the pain we share as  a group that matters. What does what I put on my body matter? Why does it? I just know that it DOES matter though.... a great deal to certain people. I further understand that how I dress the children will also matter to certain people. No sunny bright yellow dresses with daisies for The Kitten for this event... and that's important for some reason. I will do my best to bend to the social expectations even in my lack of understanding.

It all brings me back. When DRM died his mother and brother drove home to NJ from VA. The called me upon their arrival back home and told me to come over. I went up to my room, in a daze, and put on my maroon pants with my pink oxford and my knit sweater of pastel colors over that. It was there, it was clean, it was easy to find and just put on. It was an outfit I had worn countless times and something I could just put on without thinking. I came downstairs to head out to go to DRM's house to see his family when my mother stopped me and said "You're going to wear that? You sure you want to wear that? I don't think you should wear that." I remember distinctly just glaring at her and saying "How can what I'm wearing possibly matter in the slightest? DRM is still dead no matter what I wear." and walking out of the house. After that evening my mother bought me what all my friends referred to as "the little grey mourning suit" -- which I wore for all the viewings and funeral. Again why it mattered at all I couldn't understand. He was gone and my life felt shattered. Clothes seemed to ridiculous and unimportant. I did wear it though because I just figured it made life easier and apparently met the expectations of what was expected of me.

Social and societal expectations and customs sometimes just strike me as completely ridiculous and irrelevant. I don't think for a second that what someone wears reflects in any way the amount of respect they hold for a person or how much they cared. I'm a 45 year old mother of six and I still feel this way. I dress the way I dress because those are the clothes that fit me, are most likely most comfortable, and make me feel at ease. It has nothing to do with anyone else. I will dress appropriately. I will do my very best to dress my kids appropriately. I'm also aware that there will be certain people that will judge what my family has on and mark a tick in a box for whatever reason they have to do so. That does bother me a bit but I'm working hard on just saying that this is what it is. We are not going for those mark tickers... we are going to say goodbye to someone we cared about.