I had a plan....

Last night when I went up to bed I found Boo sitting on the top of the stairs, his legs crossed as he gazed down the stairs calling for me quietly. I scooped him up and felt he had a low grade temp and he was so congested he couldn't breath through his nose at all. I set him all up on the "So-far" (sofa) in our room and gave him more cold meds then tucked the covers up to his chin and kissed him. I climbed into bed where the Kitten was already waiting for me, awake from the flurry of activity caused by her older brother being sick. She asked me if Boo was okay, because while they can fight like cats and dogs she truly does adore that boy. I told her he was fine but he was sick and that it was very very late and she had to go to sleep. I settled in beside her she was obviously very tired but not so tired she would fall asleep instantly, she wanted to interact with me first. I stroked her head and chatted with her quietly. At one point I cupped her cheek in my palm and she just looked at me with so much love in her eyes... I secretly love those late nights where she's drowsy but wanting to be with me a little bit. She then turned her head and kissed my palm and turned to me and said "I love you, Momma." Oh...... wow.... THAT is the stuff life is made of. Those sweet little quiet moments that take your breath away and that you realize while this said same child drove me crazy all day and I could scarcely wait for bedtime that this child is such a blessing in my life I have no way to ever thank TPTB for her. I wanted to fall asleep, as I often do on the nights she climbs into bed with me, with one hand on her head and the other feeling the steady rhythm of her heart beating beneath my fingers. I know that little Kitten though. I can read her like a book. I know the nights I can fall asleep like that, in my favorite position, having her heartbeat lull me into a deep sleep. I know the nights that I need to roll over and turn away from her because so long as I'm facing her she will NOT fall asleep. I know the nights that even if I turn over she is going to be a little ball of energy and twitch and wiggle for at least an hour before she finally falls back to sleep. Last night was the 2nd of these options, I knew that she was tired and her body was calling her back to sleep but that her mind wanted too much to interact and talk with me for her to fall asleep. So I rolled over and told her she could spoon up against me and how much I love her and after 5 minutes or so I heard her slow even breaths in my ear letting me know she was asleep again. I stayed awake just to listen to her for a little while before nodding off myself... nodding off thinking "I need to blog about this tomorrow so I can always remember." That was my plan.

Then this morning was spent registering G-man for the SAT's... late... my bad. It was like pulling teeth with him. The "new way" of registering for the SAT online is very convenient but also a major PITA. G-man and I had to go through 5 pages of questions before I could actually push the button to register him. Questions that G-man really does NOT want to think about. He's crazy smart, if I do say so myself and I do. I mean smarter than anyone I've ever known and that's saying something. He does well in school, three-quarters of the way through his Junior year and hasn't missed Honor Roll yet (although he may this marking period due to his 2 yr. project AND missing a week with pneumonia... and it's going to break his heart) with all honors and AP courses. He is fighting tooth and nail thinking about college and majors and leaving home. He is very much a Momma's boy. I know that. He does too. I think that the idea of leaving for college excites him, a little bit... and scares the ever living shit out of him, a lot. He definitely wants to go to college. He definitely wants to continue his education. I think it's just that while G-man is so beyond his years in maturity in some ways in other ways he's lightyears behind as well... and one of the big ways is that he LIKES having his Mom around to take care of him and be there for him and be his sounding board. I did manage to drag him through the SAT registration process, kicking and screaming, but we got it done.

Now that he's all set for them I feel kind of sick. I feel a little bit like I'm gonna throw up. I have gargantuan butterflies in my stomach. I feel...... I feel...... sad. I know this is necessary and this is the way life goes and the way it's supposed to go. I just cannot imagine this home without my G-man in it. I can't imagine not seeing him every day and not interacting with him. Not hearing his funny stories of what happened at school today or what off the wall way he approached a writing assignment. I know this is hard for him and that's why he's fighting me on it. I don't think he can appreciate how hard it is for me too though. So hard.

So there you have it. The yin and the yang. Those sweet moments of babyhood with your little one. Those heart breaking moments as your teen grows toward independence, even if you are both fighting it. So my plan was to write of Kitten and our sweet moment. Then this morning came with this sick feeling and sadness as well. There are times that the Lil 'Uns drive me crazy (like they are doing right at this moment as they fight over a toy) and I think I cannot WAIT for them to be teens... teens are just so much easier it's crazy. I know most would disagree but MY teens are. Then I am reminded that once they are teens the time until they leave is not long and so I should not wish away this time with them, difficult as it may be at times... because other times it's so beautiful it makes me cry.