I have been writing... just not to YOU. Been writing to me I guess. I write it like it's a letter to me with the shimmer of the belief that maybe some day when I'm dead The Man will read it... or the kids maybe... but still it's written to me. I've actually been putting pen to paper and writing in my journal. Said journal is not available at the moment so I write here now because I need to.
I feel sad. I just feel sad. Over stupid little nothing things that won't matter in a month. Over big huge things that will be life altering and future forming. Over the fact that life is not fair and I know enough not to expect it to be fair but the injustice of it all still brings out that 7 y/o child in me and sometimes I want to stomp my feet, put my hands on my hips and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!" as loud as my lungs can muster.
The insignificant and pathetic, lets start there because it's just easier. I'm sad about David Tennant not being The Doctor anymore and that his tenure on Doctor Who has come to an end. Hey, I already said it was insignificant and pathetic so LAY OFF! Really though, I feel very very sad about it. A time come to an end, as all times comes to an end I suppose, but a little space in the world that I will miss. David Tennant is still out there alive and well and finding work and acting and I will see him again... but not as MY Doctor. So I sadly say goodbye to that small piece of joy I used to find in those stolen hours with him on my screen.
In reality mostly I'm sad about Boo. Nothing new there really I suppose. Well, I don't know... is that fair to say? I am often happy about Boo. I often wrap myself up in his little arms and hold him close and absorb the love that just oozes out of that tiny little boy so easily and innocently. He is a joy. He is a blessing. He is a gift. He is a big source of worry and concern too. He doesn't do it on purpose or by design... it just is. He has more issues and problems and obstacles in his life than a typical child. There is no template for the best way to take care of Boo and how to best insure the best possible outcome for his future. There is no road map and there are no certainties and we TRY every day to do the best we can. Inevitably some days we get it right and some days we get it wrong. We're only human and we ARE doing the best we can but that's not always enough when the "right" thing isn't always clear or easy to discover.
Boo is "stammering" -- that's what his teacher said it is. He's not stuttering and repeating single syllables repeatedly like with a typical stutter, or at least my understanding of a typical stutter from what I've read. Instead he's repeating words and "getting stuck" unable to move on. He's been doing this for a few months and as we have watched it's gotten progressively worse and more problematic. I told myself that it was just a phase and that he would grow out of it... right up until I saw that it was bothering and upsetting him. Then the concern I had went nuclear. To see him struggling and getting upset at his inability to effectively communicate is heart wrenching. Most commonly this issue presents itself by Boo saying something like... "Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami. Mami..... GRRRRRRRRR!!" and he gets frustrated and upset. We always tell him to just take him time and not feel rushed WE ARE LISTENING and that seems to help at least somewhat. He will make an attempt again usually with 5 or 6 Mami's followed by what he was trying to say... sometimes not though but not often. I try to tell him it's okay but he knows that it's not "normal" and it upsets him that he can't get his thoughts out. I just want to wrap him up and make a protective cocoon around him and protect him from everything... but I can't.
The other thing is that I'm scared. I'm scared and sad for the future. What it may hold for Boo... and for me and The Man too. I don't know what Boo's future holds. I mean I don't know what the future holds for any of our children... I know that. It's Boo's future that's scary for me though because I don't know what to expect or to hope for. I wonder if he'll be able to take care of himself. Will he be independent and find his own life? Will he find love and someone to share his life with? Will he need me and The Man to take care of him for the rest of his life? Will he be able to find a job and some kind of life fulfillment of his own? Then selfishly I worry that The Man and I will never have that time again for just the two of us. That time in our lives that I have always looked so forward to... just the two of us again to spend our time together and be free. I cry sometimes thinking that it's very likely that dream of those times is gone because now we will always have Boo to care for. Selfish... yeah I guess so. I admit I would rather have Boo here with us and taking care of him for the rest of our lives than have him gone... but still that selfish part of me is sad at the loss of a dream.
I'm just sad is all. Just sad. I'm taking my meds like a good girl and yet this sadness is pervasive inside of me. D always tells me... "sometimes you're SUPPOSED to be sad" and she's right. This is hard and scary and daunting and so much hangs in the balance... I'm supposed to be sad. I just wish I wasn't and that it wasn't so hard for Boo. I can take hard... I'm a grown up... bring it on. I just wish I could make it easier for HIM. That's the story of parents though isn't it? It's age old and timeless. The good ones always wish that they could take on their children's burdens and pains... that's what that whole unconditional and all consuming love of your child/ren is all about.
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