just want to cry

I was going to post to Boo's blog about this... but I can't. Right now this is about me... and maybe that's wrong. I don't know. I'll never know.

I just want to scream and rage at the world and cry until all my tears are spent and my rage is dissipated and my heart doesn't physically hurt. I hurt. I really hurt. Everything hurts. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my emotions are raw and aching. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I'm just over emotional and a hormonal raw nerve. It still hurts anyway.

All I want in this world is to make the road that Boo must travel down a little bit easier. All I want is to be able to do what I can to make this journey easier for him. It's never going to be easy. It's never going to be simple. It's never going to be like the road the other children travel upon. It's always going to be harder and more difficult and filled with more stumbling blocks and a longer road with a heavier load for him. Always. I can't change that. So my hope in life, my dream, is to maybe walk that path with him... holding his hand when he stumbles, supporting him when he becomes weary, letting him know that no matter how hard this may be I am there and I will ALWAYS be there with him. I'd like to see some of those stumbling blocks in his way and maybe now and then be able to heft it up and throw it off the path so that it might make the road a little easier to travel. Sometimes. Just sometimes.

Then things like today happen... today and the mother fucking insurance company. Today when I have people tell me "We're sorry. We don't care about your son and his pain and his problems and the fact that he has real major medical issues. We're not going to pay. So there." I'm faced with an immutable force and there's NOTHING I can do. Nothing. I have to look at my little tiny boy in the face and know that I can't help him. I can't change things. I can't win this fight for him no matter how hard I try... and I would try with bloodied hands and raging passion for him but I can't win all because the policy specifically states that they will not pay for orthotics, unless the patient has diabetes. How fucking STUPID is that?

I just want to cry and cry and never stop some days. Days like today. What that little tiny boy has been through is incredible. Why he has to endure and suffer I will never ever understand. I just want to scream and cry and make it all stop. I can't think or write anymore. I'm in that bad place that I rarely go to where all I want to do it go to sleep and not think about anything.