Holiday Madness

I'm feeling a little... geez... I don't even know. I'm feeling a little sad, a little nostalgic, a little melancholy. Not for any really good reason I think, just that's where I am.

I really hate the weeks leading up to Christmas. I love the kids birthdays and they are so amazingly special to me, but other than that I really hate the weeks leading up to Christmas. The stress, the financial worries, the concerts and parties and school events and shopping and worry and complete and utter insanity. Our house is ALWAYS crazy and chaotic, but you take the weeks leading up to Christmas and you kick it up to the Nth degree and it's like living in a pressure cooker.

However, that said, I absolutely positively LOVE Christmas day. I mean I live for that kind of stuff. The smiles on the kids faces, the joy, the sharing, the family time, they happiness and tons and tons and tons of fun. I love playing with the kids with their new toys, I love watching new movies with them and putting things together with them and just BEING with them. I love how much we laugh and mostly I just love seeing them smile so much.

This Christmas day was like others in that we did all those same things. We played with new toys, we laughed and smiled and enjoyed the day to the fullest (although admittedly this year through a sleep deprivation induced haze). This Christmas was WAY smaller than my kids are used to but I think we did well with our limited budget this year anyway. The gifts we did get were big hits and the kids were very happy. So that's all good. Over all I'm very happy with how this year went... and we had fun.

The day after Christmas was all about getting G-man ready for his trip. BIG downer for Mami for sure. Washing clothes, packing suitcases, getting electronic devices charged and chargers packed and everything set to go. Me trying very very hard to NOT have a panic attack. The younger kids still played new games but Mami and Daddy weren't so available to help as we usually are. We couldn't play our new Harry Potter Clue game or watch our new Doctor Who DVD's or play with Biggle's Martian Matter like he really wanted. So... kind of a downer after the big day for me... and for them a little bit I think. I mean they enjoyed themselves and they played their new video games (they each got one) and it was good... but not the same.

Then this morning bright and early it was all about getting G-man up, dressed, fed, last minute checks on packing stuff and out the door. G-man was going at sloth speed and not being a morning person, he takes after his Dad, he was in zombie mode and just couldn't get his act together. Then much to my chagrin I was forced to just yell at him to FINALLY get him going. He had to leave the house at 8:30 and at 8:10 he still hadn't eaten anything, hadn't gotten his DS charger or phone charger packed, hadn't checked his wallet or found his camera and was just generally being a major PITA. I actually sat and watched him as he sat blindly staring at a PAUSED TV for 5 minutes. I just couldn't believe it. So I yelled at him and that was really not how I wanted our morning together to go :( He did finally get ready though.

Now he's gone and I'm sad. It's late and I'll be heading up to bed soon and it feels weird going to bed without him in the house. He won't be right down the hall (for the winter anyway) where I can peek in on him as I check the little ones before I head off to my own bed. His room will sit empty... well... actually the girls are already bickering about who can sleep in his bed while he's gone so it'll be like "having their own rooms" for a week .

I realize that I have to start letting go of him little by little. That's the way this parenting gig works really. They cling so tight to you as little tiny ones because they need you so desperately. You provide everything for them and they couldn't survive without you. They grow and learn and adapt and figure things out and become more independent little by little, as is right. They become teens and that whole independence thing takes on a life of its own as you discover that your kids have lives outside of just the family that are growing exponentially... as is right. As a parent one of the most important things you will do for your growing children is learn how to let go. I'm TRYING to learn that. I'm trying so hard to let go and trust in what we've taught him and that he will make good decisions for himself -- knowing I can't make his decisions for him the rest of his life. I have to let him go, little by little, to become an independent man who can think for himself and reason for himself and trust that we did a good job raising him so that he will be a GOOD man too.

It's hard though. It's REALLY hard. I'm doing it because I know I have to but it hurts. I mean it really physically hurts sometimes. I can't just kiss it better like I used to do when he was a little boy. I can't protect him from the whole world like I've always wanted to from the moment I heard his very first cry.

This is just going around in circles. I guess I'm just feeling sad. Life is changing. Our children are changing and growing up. I'm having some growing pains is all.