well meaning

I keep meaning to post... and then I decide not to. I can't figure out what I want from this blog to be honest. Do I keep it happy and light and tell stories, which I love doing, like I did in my first and only blog here.... OR.... do I blog... like really blog.

Well, here goes eh?

Money is really tight here lately. I mean REALLY tight. The children all need new clothes as they are quickly outgrowing what they have. Emi has been wearing the same sneakers for 2 years now. The Kitten needs new shoes for winter. The two pair of jeans we bought for G-man in September are now too short for him. We are struggling to pay for Boo's RX's and food... much less new clothes and shoes.

So I had a dream last night. A disturbing dream. I dreamt that I was at this "political conference" type thing. I was there with my friend Christine and her 4 kids, and an old friend of mine that I haven't seen or heard from since HS, Chrissy... and all my kids of course. It started fun and enjoyable... all of us there to see the same man, all of us Liberals (and if my two friends are in reality I have no idea) doing something worth while and having our kids with us and juggling everything and laughing a lot. Then apparently the election took place, my guy won. The Man's Uncle Mike was there... rooting for the other guy. He made a comment about something I had said and I, very sweetly and politely, told him "Yes, I did say that but you have to understand that I am a liberal... with a capital L." This angered The Man's Uncle and his whole side of the family. Somehow, as often happens in dreams, I found myself standing outside at the doorway in front of some steps of a very official and important looking building and telling Uncle Mike (who really looked like cousin Willy) that while I didn't agree with his politics that I loved him very much and that Big Ed (my Ed's dad) meant the world to me and really over the years has come to be more of a father figure to me than my own father ever could be. That I adored him and thought that world of him and regardless of our political points of view I think that Big Ed is a wonderful man.

The dream skipped around some and the next thing I knew Uncle Mike had died... not long after our conversation. In this dream SOMEHOW Uncle Mike was FIL's brother and NOT the DH of MIL's sister and FIL was angry and hurting. He screamed at me that it was all my fault that Uncle Mike was dead. That I was a horrible person... he was so angry. He told me that they had gotten $500,000 from Uncle Mike's will but that we would never see a penny of it because it was all my fault Mike was dead.

More jumping around and things I only vaguely remember and then I was laying papers on The Man's desk and telling him that the divorce was final and he had custody of all the children -- as required. We NEEDED the money, I mean really needed it, and to be able to care for the children and go on I had to be gone. So I had to divorce The Man and let him have the children... at least knowing that they would be taken care of and that some day down the road they would be able to go to college.

After that there was fighting with The Man's whole family that I recall. Something about pregnancies and meds and people being angry with me and screaming at me. Me explaining that I had to take meds to maintain my last three pregnancies but that I did it because I loved my children already and didn't want to lose them. It's all a mixed up mosh. I woke up and felt so sad... so very hurt.

I am worried about money. I don't know how in the world we're going to manage birthdays and Christmas this December. I worry mostly for Biggle who will be the most upset I think because he doesn't understand things like having to cut back financially and have a "small Christmas." I know that Tinsey will be sad too and G-man and Mimi will have a "stiff upper lip" as it were. Boo and the Kitten won't really care I think... I hope.

I'm scared that there is no way we can possibly pay for our heat this winter. We have electric heat and a big house, filled with lots of kids, and last year our heating bills were about $1000/month... yes, that's not a typo. I know we don't have money to do that this year... and we don't have credit cards we can fall back on this time like we would in the past when it came down to heat for the house OR Boo's meds and groceries. I don't know what we're going to do. I keep talking about getting a job but I looked into daycare for Boo and the Kitten and it will cost us more than $442/week... yes, a week... for the two of them (leaving Biggle at home after school with his older sibs). It would be less but that Boo has SN and would need to be in a class with a higher child/teacher ratio and so that costs more. I can't make enough to just cover the daycare costs much less make money above and beyond that. I thought about getting an online degree so I could make more... but of course it costs money to get even an online degree. Which leaves me back where we started.

I'm feeling sad and depressed today. Even just a dream of having to live without The Man and the children was enough to send me into a funk... but then there's the worries of money too. This morning at 8am we got another call from a bill collector. Not a fun way to start a weekend. I'm hoping it will improve from here.